Why I Recommend a Drive Instead of a Coffee Shop for People Dating in Their 40s
One phrase comes up more than any other when I counsel members in their 40s.
"Mr. Lee, I've let go of all my expectations."
They tell me that what used to be a checklist of ten requirements has now been reduced to just one or two.
Age doesn't matter as much anymore.
Occupation isn't as important.
Looks are no longer at the top of the list.
Whenever I hear that, I become hopeful.
"Maybe this time it will work."
But once the introduction takes place, the story changes.
After the first meeting, I almost always hear comments like these:
"I know they're a good person, but they're just not my type."
"The chemistry wasn't what I expected."
"We talked well, but I didn't feel attracted."
And almost every conversation ends the same way.
"Could you introduce me to just one more person?"
During the consultation, they insisted they only needed one or two important qualities.
Yet when they actually meet someone, all ten of their original standards quietly return.
Some people even discover a new requirement after every introduction.
I have watched this happen for more than 35 years.
Every time, I come to the same conclusion.
People don't change easily.
By the time we reach our 40s, our lifestyle, our preferences, and even our idea of an ideal partner have been shaped over decades.
Almost everyone understands that becoming a little more flexible would greatly improve their chances of finding a life partner.
But understanding something intellectually and feeling it emotionally are two different things.
The head and the heart rarely move in exactly the same direction.
If you can change your standards, that's the best solution.
But that's much easier said than done.
So instead, I suggest changing the way you meet.
I often tell my members not to spend their first date sitting across from each other in a coffee shop.
The moment two people sit face to face with a cup of coffee between them, they begin evaluating one another.
Does this person look like their photos?
How do they speak?
Are they close to my ideal type?
Within a very short time, they try to reach a conclusion.
If reality falls even slightly short of expectations, the conversation often closes before the relationship has a chance to begin.
A drive, a meal, or simply spending more time together often produces a completely different result.
Someone who seemed quiet during the first twenty minutes may become the easiest person to talk to after two hours. Someone who appeared reserved at first may turn out to have a wonderful sense of humor.
If the meeting had ended after a single cup of coffee, those qualities might never have been discovered.
A good life partner cannot be judged by first impressions alone.
Some people reveal who they truly are only after you've spent time together.
That's why, for people dating in their 40s, I recommend a drive instead of a coffee shop.
Woon Jin Lee
CEO, Couple.net
